As I am drifting along into the abyss of space my mind is racing.
What am I doing here?
How did I get here?
Why the heck have I gotten myself into this against better knowledge?
Ok, it wasn’t against better knowledge, it was against a feeling, a bad feeling I had for years and years. It wasn’t a healthy feeling, I knew and I was told. You cannot keep building your little protective wall around you, you have to learn how to trust, otherwise you’ll deprive yourself of so much. People kept telling me and my mind knew they were right. So the bad feeling I had about trusting was ignored. No, at first it wasn’t ignored, just tamed.
I knew I was missing out on something. I had seen it in others, they managed somehow and I wanted that for myself too, but it seemed so out of reach for me. Becoming an astronaut, what an absurd thought was that. But everyone around me was an astronaut, it’s the normal way, some for years and from a young age onward, some later or only intermittent.
For years I didn’t mind not having the chance to become one, I didn’t know any different and so I didn’t know what I was missing out on. But then, very suddenly, all that changed. I met someone who had been an astronaut before and fairly quickly after we met we paired up and I went into training. He guided me, taught me and gave me confidence. He believed that I could become an astronaut, in fact he made me feel like I already was one. Slowly I started to trust him, step by step, amazed by his patience and calmness. I became calmer myself, felt a balance in my life and started to believe in myself and that I would become one, no, already was one. But I was still only in training.
After some time we started to fly into space. It was scary to leave familiar grounds, the safety of stable soil beneath my feat and gravity, the known territory. However, the new feeling of floating without gravity weightless in space was exhilarating. I felt light and happy and I started to enjoy this feeling missing the known safety from before less and less. I had gained a new safety, with his help.
I still hadn’t faced the ultimate test of trust though, the walk in space, outside the capsule. But my new found confidence made me feel strong, almost unbeatable, so when the day came I had found enough trust to step outside, on my own account and not being pushed. My first space walk was indescribably amazing. I felt so free and even safe, I knew I had the safety line, securely attached to the ship. I would be able to drag myself back in if I drifted too far from it. So I took a leap of faith and went a bit further, looking around me in complete awe of the new world I was discovering. It was overwhelming.
The little push I had given myself upon leaving the capsule had started my floating into the dark abyss behind me, but I felt safe as I was still connected to the ship and my astronaut colleague who smiled at me reassuringly from inside was looking after the hook of the safety line.
Just when I thought the safety line should now be extended to the max and would start to snap me back any second now I suddenly noticed the big knife my astronaut colleague was holding. First I thought he’d try to fix something but slowly I realised he was about to cut my safety line. I couldn’t believe it. No, he wasn’t, I thought, he can’t, he won’t do that. Why would he do that?
And then he did it! He cut the line! Just like that. Without any warning.
The shock and disbelief about what I was witnessing prevented me from pulling myself back just before he cut the line. I just hadn’t expected that, I couldn’t believe he would really do that. I had trusted him to never do that, otherwise I wouldn’t have allowed myself to trust, to take this step. But he had, he really had.
So here I am now, drifting further and further into the darkness behind me, the vast nothingness of space, more and more into the unknown abyss. I can’t see where I am drifting to, only what I leave behind, only what I am losing. I have too much time for thinking, there’s nothing I can do but think while drifting without the safety of gravity or something to hold on to. I am helpless and lost.
While I keep moving at a steady pace further away from civilisation and human contact I am thinking about the why and what I could have done to prevent this. There’s only one answer I can come up with at the moment:
I never should have trusted.
I am crying.