asleep or not asleep

I’m waking up, but I’m not awake yet, not asleep anymore either. It’s this weird in-between state where you can’t move yet but perceive everything that’s going on around you. I can hear the birds sing, the traffic noise, I notice the familiar buzzing from the harbour.

I am trying to remember what I dreamt about. It was a disturbing dream, a nightmare. I can’t quite recollect, but I feel restless. I fell out of bed a few times trying to cuddle up to him, but there was no one to cuddle up to. It was only a dream, I am thinking, only a stupid nightmare.

I reach out for his warmth, his hand, his calming touch. I want to feel his even breath, his soft skin, his reassuring presence. I reach out, my hand searching for the safety.

I can’t find it, my hand moves in panic around the space next to me, slowly I manage to open my eyes only to see the cruel emptiness next to me.

I still haven’t woken up from this nightmare.

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