So, today it would have been our second anniversary.
Instead I am alone, in Hamburg now, where I wouldn’t have been without you, where I went because of you, because of us, our future together. You found someone else, replaced me. Very quickly. So it’s been me on my own again for the past 172 days.
I miss you.
I miss you as my partner, as my friend, my companion.
I miss your strong shoulders, your arms, your beautiful hands with those long fingers, that went through my hair messing it all up when giving me a little head massage.
I miss going to sleep next to you, cuddling up, knowing you to be there if I wake from a nightmare in the middle of the night, your hand that reached out to show me I am safe, that all is fine.
I miss waking up next to you, seeing you first thing through my squinting eyes, tired and not quite awake yet, and being able to close them again and turn around for another few minutes, in your arms, warm and protected, feeling your even breath next to me like a safe haven.
I miss how you held me really tight when everything was just too much for me, silently without demands or impatience just giving me the time to come around and calm down. I miss your calming nature.
I miss your laugh, how you took everything with a positive attitude and lightness without not taking things seriously.
I miss how you listened to me babbling on about things that were of no interest to you and how you told me that it doesn’t matter because you like listening to me being excited about something, no matter how little of it you understood or cared about it, you cared that I did.
I miss how you could read me and my moods, so much better than I myself ever could.
I miss so much.
But you know what? I realised only very little of it is still attached to missing you as you. I miss all of that a lot still, but mostly now I miss it, the situations, how you were treating me, not so much you, the person, anymore.