Set back

I hadn’t seen it coming. No, I hadn’t seen that coming. Not now. Not like this.

I am on the mend, doing better, baby step by baby step I have been clawing my way back into life, my way back to actually wanting to go on, over the past months. The first day I didn’t end with the feeling that there’s no point in anything, the first time I felt like it could actually get better, was the 13th October. Since then I have been having longer and longer periods of time passing without shedding a tear. I spent moments, then hours and then days without thinking about it all. And everything started to feel sort of normal again. I started to open up again, not just superficially needing all strength to keep up an act but actually getting to know people and let them come closer.

I feared December and all the memories of last year around Christmas and New Year’s Eve – the best one I had ever had. With having felt better for a few weeks I sort of expected some kind of set-back, at some stage some reaction. Whether that would be to the anniversary of the day we met two years ago, the memory of our first letters exchanged, the memory of the special advent calendar I made for him last year. The incredible start I had with him to the new year, with all the exciting plans we had for our future together, all starting in 2010. And in January the day that would have been our two year anniversary.

Nothing came. No reaction. A bit of a grumpy “screw you” mood, but no tears, not a single one. I had a brilliant start to 2011, I enjoyed the New Year’s Eve on my own with a contrast programme to last year and not once I longed for last year… And somewhere in between I was told and very timidly even started to believe again that I am not just bearable but actually likeable, regaining some sense of self-worth…

And then I set in my seminar today, human resource management, and we talked about change, implementing and managing change in businesses, completely down to earth, matter of fact business studies discussions, borderline boring. Being asked about how she felt the last time she experienced major change, a class mate started talking about her move from Iran to Germany a few years ago and did so in a very intellectual way, sticking to facts and observations. As the professor wanted to explore why change is difficult to manage and thus wanted to lead towards psychological effects of change, he probed further on her feelings, how did you feel when you experienced that?

Before she could even answer, he had hardly finished the question, I felt this wave of coldness inside me, starting to shake and before I could concentrate on keeping it together felt that my cheeks were already wet from tears. Brilliant thing to experience sitting front row about 40 cm away from the lecturer.

I managed to sneak out hoping everyone would think I’d just go for a little bio-break and burst into tears heavily just as I had closed the door behind me. But AC, another class mate, followed soon after to check on me and the lecturer followed soon after to check whether it was anything he had said that might have offended me. (Poor sod, he thought it was his fault…) What an embarrassment!

The initial wave of tears dried up after some time, most of it I feel was just the shock of all the emotions washing over me so quickly and without any warning. All of it just had hit me so suddenly and in such intensity I hadn’t experienced for quite a few weeks now that the element of surprise was as harsh as all the feeling of loneliness and homesickness. I feel rootless here, at the wrong place, like a stranger. This is my home town, I lived here the first 20 years of my life and now I feel like I have never been here before – no one seems to understand how that can be, least of all me.

I have not really stopped crying since, sometimes visibly, some moments silently inside. The three people I initially felt I wanted to reach out to I can’t actually talk to now, for various reasons. And there’s somehow no one else I want to talk to. I don’t feel like communicating much, I want to be hugged and held until this pain goes away again, until my eyes are dry and I can finally see again… I still need to prepare a lot tonight for tomorrow’s seminar…good timing, my ass.

I had expected some set-back at a moment were there wouldn’t be any distraction anymore, I had expected some emotional hole once all the stuff going on at the moment would have been over, but I hadn’t expected this.

I didn’t see that coming, not now, not like this. It fu**ing hurts.

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